


Fragmented

by bondlikejames96



Series: Posey Shepard [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: After Horizon, Angry Biotics, Angst, F/M, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 10:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4259928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bondlikejames96/pseuds/bondlikejames96
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[BardofHeartDive], with her crazy wonderful mind, offered up a request about Posey's reaction to Kaidan's email after Horizon. (Hint hint: she doesn't take it well.) This was supposed to be short, but I can't ever write anything short, so it turned into three parts. Hope you all enjoy it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Melted

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning: Small bits of blood, little bit of language. 
> 
> Also, a little treat for you guys: if you haven't heard Raphael Sbarge (Kaidan's voice actor) reading the Horizon letter, here's a link to that. Enjoy the feeling of your heart ripping to shreds, basically.  
> http://barkingfrogs.com/2011/11/a-thanksgiving-present-from-raphael/

Shepard stumbled into the shuttle bay, fingers ripping at clasps to remove her gear as quickly as she could manage. Haestrom's sun had made short work of her barriers, leaving only her armor as protection against the deadly rays. In those final moments of taking down the geth armature, the searing heat had almost become too much, and Posey had been able to feel the softer parts of the material melting and molding against each other. A few seconds more in that sun, and she was sure that her skin might have begun to melt along with it.

While Garrus had certainly taken the situation seriously, especially since they were helping Tali of all people, he couldn't help making a few wise comments to her every so often about how balmy the weather was here, when you'd been raised in the middle of the scorching plains of Palaven. Shepard had rolled her eyes at every remark, but made sure to let him see the good-natured smirk that accompanied it. If she'd been able to see his face behind his darkly-tinted helmet, she was sure his mandibles would've twitched in a smart-ass grin right back.

With all of the new recent additions to the crew, Shepard had become more and more overwhelmed by the day with the sheer amount of personal issues that everyone on this ship seemed to have. She understood that they each had a life of their own, but it weighed on her heavily to know that, in order to have this crew in the best condition possible, all of these things would need to be wrapped up. And that was going to take a lot of time.

Time they didn't really have, at this point. At every turn, Shepard could feel the influence of the Collectors breathing down her neck, and when it wasn't them it was geth causing problems. Or even the Illusive Man, her own fucking boss. She was certainly grateful for being brought back from the dead and all, but would it kill him to give them a nice, simple mission? Nothing was ever easy these days.

But at least they had Tali, now. It had taken Posey a record three seconds to punch in a course on the galaxy map when she saw the dossier for her best friend appear in her files. She hadn't even stopped to read the overview of the situation, which is probably why things had gone so haywire since the moment they stepped foot on this planet.

Posey grunted as she tugged on a stubborn clasp at the back of her shoulder, which had nearly melted into the pieces surrounding it. It was proving nearly impossible for her to remove it by herself, and finally she gave up and moved down to the armor at her legs. After a few brief moments, all that remained of her outer gear was her shoulder and upper arm coverings and her helmet - which had also, unfortunately, melded into the same piece as the shoulder guard.

Suddenly, there was a warm, three-fingered hand at her back, and she jumped at the unexpected contact.

"It's just me, Shepard," Tali teased gently. "Do you need some help?" Shepard nodded, surrendering to Tali's deft fingers which instantly set to work. From one of her ridiculously numerous suit pockets, the  quarian pulled out a small handheld lasering device, steadying Shepard's shoulder with her hand. "Don't move," she said quietly. "You don't want a laser to the neck, that's for sure."

Shepard had to fight hard not to chuckle at that - she'd survived worse after all, but she'd rather not feel any more sore and tired than she already did. There was a small whirring sound, a harsh buzz that reverberated through her armor and up into her jaw, and then the cool air of the shuttle bay rushed under the uplifted pieces of armor and Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. After she managed to tug her helmet off, Shepard looked up at Miranda, who stepped out of the elevator just in time to see Shepard's armor falling to pieces in Tali's hands. The raven-haired commanding officer was not at all impressed, muttering just loud enough for them to hear,

"Guess I'll be sending in a requisitions order for brand new environmental gear." Shepard flashed an unapologetic smile and shrugged, looking back at Tali.

Someone else chimed in from behind them. "Her armor wouldn't be in such bad shape if she'd take the time to read the damn files." The dual tones of the speaker's voice were unmistakable, just like the smart-aleck grin that spread its way across Garrus's face as he gently set aside the last of his gear - somehow still in no worse condition than before.

Posey couldn't tell if she was blushing so furiously because it had been stupid of her not to fully read over the files, or if it was because of the way that her eyes darted back and forth over Garrus's skin-tight undersuit, hugging every alien curve and angle.

In all reality, it was most definitely the latter. He didn't seem to notice though, or at least didn't comment on it as he walked past her towards the elevator. Just before the doors slid shut, she caught a glimpse of him waving a goodnight to them all. She had every intention of doing the same as quickly as she could manage, after she found somewhere to stow what few pieces of gear she could manage to salvage from the wreck of her suit. As she began to pick up pieces off the floor, Tali bent down beside her and helped her out. They had just set down the still-useful parts on the armory bench for later, when Tali broke the friendly silence between them.

"So, Garrus, huh?"

Shepard's head whipped towards her friend. "What are you talking about?"

A short, barking laugh and a soft shoulder-smack later, Tali was staring her down intently. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've got the hots for bird-boy, don't you?"

Posey's mouth fell open, horrified. "I - No, I mean - Tali, why would you think that - ? No, no. Absolutely not. How could you suggest such a - Wait. _Bird boy_?"

Tali's glowing violet eyes crinkled up mirthfully behind her mask, and Shepard could feel the embarrassed scowl settling into the corners of her mouth. The young quarian absolutely squealed with delight, nearly prancing around Shepard as they walked to the elevator. Thank God it was completely empty by this point, otherwise this would've been even more mortifying than it already was.

She hadn't even completely voiced her feelings to herself, yet, much less anyone else. Leave it to Tali to catch on immediately to whatever this stupid schoolgirl crush was. Posey had started to try to convince herself that it was just curiosity, wondering what it would feel like to hold three fingers between her five. Or to wrap her arms around a waist even more slender than hers, full of sharp angles. The idea was strange and foreign, and most of all awkward. That's why she'd kept it completely to herself up until now.

"We're not talking about this right now, Tali," Shepard muttered as the elevator door hissed shut behind them. Tali shrugged and crossed her arms, leaning up against the wall with a smirk.

"If you say so. But hey, Shepard?" The sudden drop of pitch in Tali's voice made her sound much more serious as her eyes met Posey's through foggy purple glass. "I would totally approve of that. You guys would be great." Shepard was about to open her mouth to attempt some sort of comment that _No, that would be a terrible idea_ , but the elevator opened and Tali half-skipped out towards her quarters. With the boundless energy of her best friend gone from her side, Shepard felt her own energy beginning to quickly fade. She fought the yawn in her throat, knowing that there was a lot of work to be done still before she could retire to her bed to attempt to rest. Their next course was to Illium, and Shepard had a lot of reading to do for those dossiers. Not to mention steeling herself for finally getting to see Liara again - no telling how _that_ was going to go.

Work could wait, though - Shepard needed a shower above all else. As she waited for the water to heat up, she crossed back to her desk and began to pull off her sweaty undersuit, peeling the thin protective layer back and gasping at the rush of cold air that flushed against her skin. After quickly changing into a black sports bra and a pair of comfortable shorts, she decided to do a quick check of her messages, just to get an idea of the issues that would need her attention tomorrow. She scrolled through aimlessly, sifting through spam and pointless messages until one caught her eye, and her heart leapt up in her throat.

**_About Horizon. . ._ **


	2. Shattered

Her fingertips hesitated over the keyboard, unwilling to click but refusing to move the page down any further. She didn't even feel her index finger pressing against the key that brought up the contents of the message.

Tears sprang up in her eyes as she read - tears of sadness, tears of anger. She could almost - _almost_ \- hear his voice reading the words aloud to her, but the timbre and quality was less rich than she remembered, like there was some sort of static interference in the way she remembered him. Maybe it was because she'd been away from him for so long now - three months since Horizon, and two years before that. Maybe it was because she'd been so focused on their mission that now she never could manage to sleep deeply enough to dream, so he could no longer haunt her every night.

_This isn't fair_ , she raged inwardly. Of _course_ he would just happen to do this now, just as she had finally decided that there may be something else out there for her by way of love and partnership. Was it too much to ask for things to go right, just for once in her life? The second she had realized that her feelings towards Garrus were more than some fleeting fancy, Kaidan had managed to burst back into her mind and shake the foundations that she'd been rebuilding since she'd last seen him.

How the hell was she supposed to reply to something like this? Him talking about going out with doctors, asking if she "even remembered the night before Ilos"? For a while, that night had been all she could _think_ about. Indeed, she'd just recently managed to almost forget it, or at least enough to not think about it every day. What were you supposed to say to someone who didn't even believe you were the same person that they had once loved?

She couldn't tell him about the nights she'd spent alone in her cabin the weeks after Horizon, crying over lost dreams of a house on a Canadian bay with lots of little biotic children running around, sporting flaming red-gold hair and intoxicating hazel eyes. Those images had sparked warmth and excitement in her heart once, before the SR-1 had been attacked. But now, they just made her more angry, remembering the things that would never be.

None of this was her fault. That future - a beautiful house, perfect children - was what they could have had together, had Kaidan just taken a moment to let her explain herself. But whatever their relationship had been built on, it hadn't been strong enough to withstand a resurrection and a perceived betrayal. Posey imagined that very few things were that strong. But she had loved him, once. That much was true.

A question slid forth, unwelcome, from the depths of her mind - one that she wasn't sure she could answer at this point. _Did she love him still?_

On the one hand, there was the Kaidan Alenko that once frequented her dreams, not the one who had stared her down on Horizon. The man she had loved had been goofy, unfailingly kind. Strong, pretty damn great with a gun. But he was, apparently, no longer the same person, if the frown lines around the lips she had now forgotten the taste of gave any indication of how much his entire demeanor had changed. To be fair, though, neither was she the same fresh-faced Commander who had pushed him out of the way of the beacon on Eden Prime. So many things had changed, all too many of them things that she would have once given anything to keep the same.  

Every time she looked in the mirror these days, she doubted herself a little more. What if she wasn't really Shepard, just some hollow copy? During one of her rounds, she had broached the subject with Garrus, trusting him above anyone else on the ship to give her the answer she needed, not the one she wanted. He had assured her over and over again that she was real, she was the "actual Commander Shepard" - he always insisted that he would be able to tell otherwise. But Kaidan had questioned her, and he had known her better than anyone. Who's to say he wasn't right all along, and that the woman she remembered being was still lying dead somewhere on the frozen surface of Alchera?

Whoever, or whatever, she was now, she had a mission to do. This thought crept unbidden to the forefront of her mind, and it stole her attention just enough from the message on her computer to remember that the hot water had been running for quite some time now. There would certainly be lots of crew member complaints about icy showers tomorrow. Posey sighed and ran a hand through her crumpled hair, pressed flat in odd places from the way her helmet had settled against it. Anger still broiled just beneath the surface of her skin, but she was now calm enough to slowly tread back into the bathroom.

The mirror was right where it was every other morning, but suddenly it felt much more threatening to Shepard. She viciously swiped a hand across the mirror's surface, sweeping away the haze of steam to glare at her own reflection. The mirror self stared right back at her, with every blink accusing her of pretending, living a false life under the guise of a once-great woman. She traced her cheek slowly, checking every dip and curve for imperfections. Was that freckle there before she died? Wasn't her hair a lighter shade of red before? The 'artistic liberties' (as Miranda had so referred to them) that Cerberus had taken upon reconstructing her body infuriated her even further. They only added to the withering anxiety that she wasn't real, that maybe this was all just some messed up dream or maybe she was just a well-made copy of what some people called a hero.

They had taken away her old scars, trophies from battles hard-won and bitter reminders of all the people she hadn't been able to save. There had once been a scar lancing its way in a jagged line across her palm, akin to a bolt of searing white lightning. That had been from Mindoir, when her father had pushed her out of the window and onto the fallen glass below, so that she could have a chance to escape from the batarians that by then were destroying everything she'd ever loved.  They'd taken the large crescent moon from just above her knee, where a remnant of Sovereign had made its mark as she fought to escape the ruins of the Citadel Tower. 

Worst of all, they'd taken Kaidan away from her. Perhaps not intentionally, but the results were the same.

Posey didn't even blink when she realized that the bathroom was glowing violently bright with a haze of biotics, her emotions taking shape in the air around her. It was all too much to handle now, to even try to process. Without even thinking, her hand clenched into a fist and suddenly there was glass in the sink, on the floor, in the skin of her forearm. The pain didn't register until she saw the blood begin to flow in thick ravines down her arm, dripping slowly onto the floor. Tears welled up, more from emotional exhaustion than pain, and suddenly she was sobbing with all the strength she had. Her vision was blurred but she managed to stumble towards her bed, collapsing when she reached it with a shuddering gasp. She couldn't find her voice to call EDI to summon Chakwas, so she just laid her head down on her uninjured arm and watched the crimson flow into her dark grey sheets, pooling in a manner very similar to that of the tears that streaked slowly down her cheeks.


	3. Soothed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have any suggestions on how to improve anything in this piece, I would love to hear them. I know it's not perfect, but I like the way it all turned out. (Of course I would still love to be able to make it better, though!)

Garrus was in the armory, once again pestering Jacob Taylor about some new weapons requisitions, when he heard the sound of shattering glass. He looked around quickly, but Jacob didn't seem to have heard anything. The turian glanced at him nervously, mandibles flaring in a gesture that Jacob wouldn't understand to be an unspoken question.

"Did you hear that?" he said finally, and Jacob turned his attention from the Collector particle rifle he'd been focused on for the past half-hour.

"Did I hear what?"

Garrus shook his head, calling out "Never mind," over his shoulder as he walked briskly out of the armory and into the elevator. The noise had definitely come from upstairs, but the only thing up there was Shepard's cabin. In any case, shattering glass was typically not the sign of anything good going on, so he punched in the button for the loft and tapped his foot impatiently as the elevator crawled upwards.

As soon as he reached the door, the blue AI orb popped up beside him in greeting.

"Crewmember Vakarian. Welcome." Her voice was, as always, eerily calm, but Garrus could hear quiet sobs on the other side of the door.

So this was really bad.

"EDI, do you know what's wrong with Shepard?"

"No information available," the AI replied. "She has cut off my access to her cabin barring extreme circumstances or important notifications."

"And her sobbing in her room isn't important enough to tell anyone else about?" Garrus couldn't help but growl at the synthetic intelligence, glaring at the orb though it would do absolutely nothing to offend the piece of technology.

"I. . . I do not know what is wrong, Crewmember Vakarian."

"EDI, please let me in."

"I do not have the Commander's authorization to allow you into her cabin." Garrus thought he could almost detect a note  of worry in the AI's voice, and he made a mental note to speak with Tali as soon as he could about AI speech processes.

He sighed and leaned his forehead against the door, auditory canals straining to catch the choked and shuddering cries he knew were coming from Shepard. "Please, EDI," he said quietly. "Something's very wrong."

There was silence for a moment, and then EDI chimed back up. "I am considering this an extenuating circumstance. Overriding lock in 3. . . 2. . . 1. . ."

As soon as the door swished open, Garrus rushed into the room, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw the little dribbles of blood on the carpet, a beeline trail straight from the bathroom to where Shepard lay face down on her bed, shoulders heaving as she cried into a pillow. Garrus took tentative steps towards her, unable to stop the distressed rumbling in his vocal cords as he knelt down beside the bed to get a good look at her arm, drenched in red. She had mentioned something about keeping a medkit in the bathroom at one point, so he quickly stood back up and jogged over to dig through the cabinets, sighing in relief when he found a few packets of medigel amongst the supplies.  He stood up from grabbing the packets, though, he finally took notice of the shattered mirror on the wall, and the little shards of glass that littered many of the surfaces around the vanity area.

He rushed back to the bed, surprised to find Shepard sitting up now and staring right at him, her injured arm slumped at her side in a posture that Garrus could only describe as completely defeated. It was a look that did not at all belong on the face of Commander Posey Shepard, Hero of the Citadel and all-around badass. Without a word, she held her arm up to him, eyes meeting his in something like a silent plea for help. For the first time, he realized how odd of a color her eyes were, a shade of lilac that he'd never seen on another human before. It reminded him of a gemstone that was native to Palaven, though the name of the gem escaped him just then.

He took great care to pick out the few tiny shards of glass that remained in the cuts on the back of her palm, across her wrists, and halfway up her forearm. She winced with every one, but didn't give a single word of complaint. At least her sobbing had quieted, leaving behind only small teary hiccups in its place. Normally, Garrus would have teased her about the bizarre little sound the hiccups made, but even he knew that this was no time for smart remarks. As he slathered the medigel over the wounds, Shepard sucked in a pained breath and squinted her eyes shut for a moment, her tiny hands clenching into fists for a few seconds until the medigel did its work. When she exhaled, her eyes batted open again and she looked back at Garrus, who was about at eye-level with her for once in his life now that he was kneeling in front of her as she sat on her bed. As he rocked backwards on his haunches, he asked gently,

"Do you want to talk about it?"

It was no big surprise to him that she just slowly shook her head, glancing back down at her battered arm. Garrus nodded and pushed himself upwards to stand, but small, cool fingers wrapped around his wrist suddenly. He looked down in surprise to meet her red, watery gaze as she looked up at him.

"Can you just. . . Sit with me, for a while?" Her voice was thin and strained, vocal cords probably raw from the unbridled cries earlier. Even if he had loathed her for some reason, or if she'd been a complete stranger to him, the hurt and helplessness that he saw now in her eyes would have made it impossible for him to leave her right now. He nodded and she patted the bed next to her. As soon as Garrus sat down, surprised at the comfort of human-designed mattresses, he felt Posey's cool forehead against his arm. They stayed like that well into the night, until she finally lost herself to sleep. Garrus pulled back her covers, gently lifted her small frame into his arms, and carried her up to the top of her bed and covered her with the blankets once more. A small smile graced her features as she slept, and Garrus's heart may or may not have skipped a beat. He walked out of her cabin exhausted, turning off her lights before wearily heading back down to the forward battery to catch up on the day's calibrations.

**Author's Note:**

> Would love to hear any requests you guys may have about Posey's perspective of certain events!


End file.
